| | My head has been spinning for two weeks. But it spans over two months. It's only intensified over the past two weeks and it's mostly because I feel like I'm going to be leaving something behind again.
So I've been mulling over the subject of women. Significant others even. Rather, it's not even like that. It's more of a need to have someone there for me, even if they're far away. I have friends, but I'd rather have very close friends. And I'd rather have them as girls more than anything. Why girls? ... Well, ... I always think I might have a chance, really. But if things don't go one way, I would hope to keep her as a dear friend.
I've been thinking hard, maybe too hard, about a particular girl. We listen to each other, we look out for each other, and we're hoping to see each other. I think about her day and night; I worry about what might happen, about things that might go on. I think about the past and of the future ...
...the future
The thing is... I've come to grow attached to this girl. Even if she wouldn't be interested in that kind of relationship, it doesn't matter to me ... I just want to be with her. Because in my mind I would rather not be with anyone else, or haven't found that other person I would want to be with. Actually... it's not really a want, it's more of a need.
A need? Needing someone, for me, isn't necessarily having a relationship with someone, although it would be nice. I need someone to care for, someone to care for me; I need someone who needs me. I've looked far and wide, I've been through relationships that don't even get started... and she always just pokes out from the bottom. And it's a realization that I just made.
Why did I feel that way at the time, even if I had someone else?
Why did I not want to leave her more than the other?
Why doesn't it seem comprehensible about how our relationship is?
Why do people have to be... jealous?
Why did I say I would rather die than not see her again?
...Why do I want more...when she doesn't?
Because I found her. But she's yet to find me.
She isn't what I say she is. She's a lot more than that. And I'm not what she says I am. Because she doesn't know it yet.
And that's why I hate myself. I hate how I ended up this way, and I hate having to deny things to keep it straight. I hate how I just...can't get anything. I've waited, I've looked, I've done everything else. But I get nothing in return. No.. I suppose I can't say I get nothing.. but I know that what I have now is what I need, ... but it'll never be more than that.
Let me rewind to the past so I can kick myself in the balls and tell myself to shut up and look elsewhere.
. . .
Btw: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependent_Personality_Disorder
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| | Posted 10/9/2007 3:46 AM - 9 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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